Once there was a lamppost. It stood on an elevated cement slab and took pride in the fact that it had been inaugurated by none other than the daughter in law of the first nephew of the current minister of fertilizers. It was the seventeenth lamppost on the sidewalk by the side of Filibuster street and a honorable member of the Society of Mute Artistic Laudable Luminations. (SMALL).
There exists a trend wherein young scallywags and the simpering objects of their desire tend to address each other in sweet nothings. By way of example, young Sallie May might tenderly appoint for ever after the non sequitur “Lumpkins” for her slightly overeager trailing plankton, who otherwise goes by the partly Christian title of Jacob Smittengodamn. Following such tradition, we might as well for the rest of our sordid tale refer to lamppost seventeen as “Bob.”
Those of us born under nascent stars have long since forgotten the grand and tremulous history of SMALL. It was instituted and christened by none other than that very ancient flame ‘Streetlight “Gus” the Fust(OH OH one). According to lamp post lore, Streetlight singlelightedly stopped Jack the Ripper.
(NOTE: Jack the Ripper is a common ‘Moronic Audible Nonluminates’ (MAN) mythical figure. Indeed Jack the Ripper might have been more than one MAN but this has never been conclusively proven. What has been establised to a degree is that Gus did indeed illuminate a part of the Whitechapel area where the unsolved MAN murders took place. According to modern accepted accounts of this legend, Gus blinded Jack the Ripper and by subtle interplay of his burning fires brought the infamous murderer to his knees. He thus heroically saved Nellydora Fitzgerald (Nubile Nelly) from the inglorious fate of being Jack’s sixth prostitute victim. However due to the sheer incompetence of a slow bumbling London Constable the ripper made good his escape. Whatever remains of Gus, has been preserved as a loving family heirloom by the Fitzgeralds. The current-a Miss Filomena Fitzgerald (Fertile Filly) is running for the post of the Mayor of New York City. According to other Luminate Legends however, Gus might have blinded not Jack the Ripper but Jill the Stripper. This account suggests that Gus produced uncontrollable incandescent bursts due to the sheer excitement of seeing Jill and Nellydora engage in a particular type of semi erotic foreplay. These opposing views have caused the long acrimonious divide of SMALL into two factions- the “Gussers” and the “Guessers”.)
THIS STORY WILL BE CONTINUED IN THE NEXT POSTING….
